Seen > Hated 🫥
Jun 09, 2025
I’d rather be hated than ignored.
Dramatic? Maybe. But also seems that it may be the answer to: why children (and even adults) can sometimes… engage in “annoying behaviors.” 🧐
Abraham Maslow, the psychologist who mapped out our hierarchy of needs, placed the need for belonging right up there with food and water. Because we don’t just want connection — we need it. (… It’s not just psychobabble!) And when we’re ignored, we’re not just hurt — we’re erased. We don’t even exist.
“I’d rather fight than be lonely” is another variation of the same truth.
If someone is annoyed by me, I exist in their universe. I’ve made an impact — uncomfortable as it may be. But to be ignored? That’s just mean! That’s a special kind of void. It’s why giving the silent treatment to someone can be so painful.
And that makes me wonder about some of the difficult or lonely people in our lives. The teen who can’t follow the rules. A child who always seems to be starting up with their siblings. A student in class who can’t help themselves, despite multiple warnings…
Someone recently told me about an older man who lives alone and calls people all day — not just asking for favors, but demanding them. He insists on money. He calls again and again. I really couldn’t understand this behavior. Why is he annoying the very people that he needs?
But then I looked at it through this lens — and nebach! He’s just so lonely. He’d rather be hated than ignored.
There’s something about being seen — in any shape or form — that’s less painful than being treated like you’re not there at all. Because when someone locks eyes with you, and acknowledges you, even with a “teacher look” (as kids like to call it), they’re saying: you matter enough to feel something about.
And honestly, most people will take that over being invisible any day.
So during these Sefira days, when we’re working on refining how we treat one another, let’s look around with fresh eyes. Let’s make space for those who feel invisible — and remind them, gently and clearly, that we see them.
No need to be annoyin’,
🩷, Shifi
p.s. I know it’s an email deliverability problem, because I myself didn’t get my last email! 😟 With Apple mail, and with Gmail, you can easily tell them to put Our Socially Appropriate-ish email in your PRIMARY inbox by directing it that way. And if anyone has any other ideas… let us know! 🥰
