Playfulness In Marriage 🪓

Dear Shifi, 

I was thinking recently that I wish I would push myself to go out and do some of the shidduch dating activities that they are doing! Painting, axe throwing, ping pong, build-a-bear… so much fun! 

Ish.

I hear over and over again from clients and friends that once the Sheva Brochos are over, too often, the games and dates are over too. Partially because it’s financially expensive, partially because real life’s schedule doesn’t allow for it. Partially because of laz-i-nesss. And partially because some of us are middle aged and… ya 🥴. But I think most of all, people don’t push themselves because they don’t understand the value of play and having fun in long-term relationships and why it is worth the investment.  

So let’s hear what psychotherapist Esther Perel has to say about this: 

Why is playfulness so important in marriage? And what are the benefits of pushing ourselves to actually get out and play? 

Even though it feels (so!) hard sometimes? 😱

Play:

Counteracts Routine and Predictability: Esther Perel suggests that playfulness helps counteract the routine and predictability that can set in over time in long-term relationships. By injecting an element of surprise, mystery and spontaneity, couples can break free from the monotony and keep the relationship exciting and dynamic. 

Fosters Connection: Couples who have fun together, are happier. Playful activities and interactions foster a sense of connection between people. Engaging in shared laughter, playful banter, or trying new and enjoyable experiences together helps create positive memories and strengthens the emotional bond. And that bond needs constant strengthening, my friend. 

Enhances Creativity and Exploration: Playfulness encourages each partner to leave their typical role and comfort zone and get creative and explore — both themselves and as a couple. It allows partners to discover new aspects of themselves and each other, creating a sense of novelty and excitement within the relationship. It can also enhance respect when a skill comes out that one never knew they even had! Love those skills that come out of left field.

Promotes Flexibility: Esther Perel suggests that couples who play together are often better equipped to navigate challenges and changes in their (real) relationship. The couple together develops the ability to approach issues with a lighter and more playful attitude which contributes to their resilience as a couple. In other words, couples who play and who are connected in that way, typically fight better! (A topic we will soon discuss too :) 

As I’m writing, I’m realizing the importance of play in many other relationships - from young children, older teens, and even old(er) adult friends playing together too.  Playfulness counteracts boredom, infuses excitement and ultimately keeps people connected at heart. 

Ok, I even convinced myself! 

I’m booking axe throwing 🪓🎉. 

💗, Shifi